So I think its time we had “That talk”

Tonight’s drink of choice: A Vieux Carré. A French Quarter Classic. If you’ve never had one at the Carousel Bar in The Hotel Monteleone, add it to your Bucket List. One ounce each of Rye, Cognac, 0.5 ounce each of Benedictine and Dry Vermouth, a few dashes each of Angostura and Peychaud’s Bitters. A Twist of lemon. On ice, stir. Yes, my bar has all those ingredients. Always. Doesn’t everyones?

If discussions of Human Sexuality make you squeamish, now would be a good time to see what you’re missing on Netflix. Or read a Good Book. If you choose to proceed, might I recommend a strong drink? A Vieux Carré would be a nice choice. You’ll excuse me while I freshen mine. We’re both going to need one.

That’s better. Now to proceed. No real discussion of Prostate Cancer and its treatments would be complete without an honest discussion of how it impacts sex. The Prostate Gland’s main role is to produce, along with the Seminal Vesicles, Semen. Since all of the above were removed from me on June 14th, June 12th will be the last day on earth that I ejaculated. As I age, there will be more key dates; last day I lift weights, last day I run stairs, last meal I ever cook, last fish I ever catch- you get the picture. Thankfully, those dates are in abeyance- for now. June 12th is locked. Had a decent run, but Show’s over folks, thanks for coming.

That in itself took some getting used to. The next step is a little harder. Because the cancer had spread, they had to remove one of the two nerves god gave me that make an erection possible. There is thus a 30% chance that I will be able to gain an erection within the next two years. If I can’t, thank to Big Pharma, I still have options.

“Caverject is injected directly into the side of the penis.” Sounds like a party to me. “A Patient must learn to perform a penile self- injection each time he wishes to have sex.” I could have gone my whole life without reading that. To be honest, the longer I go, the more desirable this sounds. But, alas, it also might not work. In which case I can look forward to…

The Penile Implant. Three choices here. The first, Non- Inflatable, is essentially a perpetual Hard- on. No thanks. Had that when I was in my early 20’s. Glad to see its back side. Other choices are the Two- piece or three piece inflatable. I’ll save the details for a later date (feel free to Google “Penile Implants”), but I’d prefer the three-piece, since more is better. Plus the two piece leaves your cock looking like a “broom head,” whatever the fuck that means.

In the meantime, I take generic Viagra or Cialis daily. The thinking is that increased blood flow to my remaining nerve will help it recover and allow, eventually, a natural erection. Or not. The fact that I am at a healthy weight and workout also helps. Again, its about blood flow to my last nerve.

I have, post- surgically, still been able to achieve an orgasm or two. Took some getting used to, but scientifically, it all makes sense. The pleasure center is, obviously, The Brain. Apply the proper stimulation, even to a limp pecker, and the brain responds. Make no mistake, it is different by a country mile, but still pleasureful. Bad Frozen Yoghurt to a dessert course at Hot Chocolate, Chef Mindy Segal. But still.

And now comes day 30 of Androgen Depravation Therapy. As I like to say, I’m still incapable of having sex, but at least now I don’t care. And, by and large, I don’t. I still  fantasize about sex. I still dream of ejaculating. I still see a pretty girl and think to myself, “That’s a pretty girl.” And I longingly look at my wife, and wish desperately we could make love like we have. And we try from time to time, but piss management is still an issue- it comes out at the most inopportune times, which, as you might imagine, ruins the mood for both of us.

Which brings me to this. The most important part of dealing with Prostate Cancer is to have a loving, understanding spouse/ partner. And for all the crazy, stupid, fucked up choices I made in my life (and they are voluminous), finding her and asking her to marry me is not one of them. Quite the opposite. It was transformative in every way, and in every way for the better. She has been so kind, supportive, understanding, helpful and brave through every step of this process. She has allayed my concerns of being “less than a man,” we have found ways to be intimate without the easier methods. She is my bestest friend ever. And I love her. I Love You, Phyllis. Thank You.

So to wrap this, sex is good, sex is fun, but Sex is not always possible. Intimacy is always possible. If you are in Love- and I am- it is not ersatz; it is real.

If you made it this far, drinks are on me. Stop over. I’ll make you a Vieux Carré. They are good.