About a Girl…or a Boy…

Drink of Choice: I’ll have what Maggie’s having. Provided she followed my imprecise instructions. Music of Choice: See the title. Unplugged on MTV. A channel that has lost its relevance but this is it at it peak. Followed by Patti Smith’s version. If you know you know…

At some point in this process, Gender issues were going to be a thing. The drugs I take would be appropriate for a man desiring Sex Change. I don’t; but still, the effects are the same. Not growing tits. Yet. There’s still time.

Getting more and more emotional every day. This is not sexist; Testosterone and Estrogen are powerful Neurotransmitters. Perhaps the most powerful when we speak of Gender. Had a hard time sleeping last night thinking I might have said the wrong thing. Most days I’m an emotional wreck. I manage, but its right there, under the surface. Still many months to go, so I have to strategize. There are moments when I am just a Bitch. No other way to describe it.

This whole thing has been about strategizing. When I feel something, I try to get in touch with it- bad, really bad or, fuck me you’re kidding. Only then can I analyze it and prepare myself for the next round, better prepared, I hope.

To that end,  I am getting much better at dealing with The Night. Its just as bad- worse actually. Imagine you had a switch that said “Sweat A lot. Now.” I have one. But. Many pillows. Scattered  throughout the bed. One always has a Cool Side. Shortens the duration. I have like, nine. Would like more.

In the same vein, after cooking for 71 people yesterday at someone else’s house, I was beat this morning. Still managed to get out, do 35 stories of stairs and a five mile walk. Light by my standards, but some days its about breaking even.

Maggie asked me today if this a spiritual journey. In short, maybe, but not likely. I am a Rationalist. I have to deal with the medicine, the hard work. I do not believe in The Man in The Sky. Which is not to say that I know the Unknowable. But because it is Unknowable, I have to deal with what is in front of me. Many prefer to ascribe their situation to a god. I do not feel that if They exist that they give  rat’s ass about me. So I prefer to take my journey holding your hand. That feels real; that feels good. Thank you. I just elevated you to the position of a god. Perhaps not a God, but still. Many thanks.

However, I’m starting to feel a middle ground. Not quite here, not quite there. Neither Male nor Female. Still very much Human, but a bit verklempt.

I find that, for the first time, and for a good time,  I plan  every hour. I think in terms of “This, then that.” I hear successful people  do this. Maybe it will rub off.

As I leave, Patti Smith covered the title. She called it “About a Boy.”  Get both. I do.

Hard to say. So much lies in The Middle. Good luck.

Stay with me. I need you. We can do this. Together. Life is short. Life is Hard, Hang on. I’ll be there with you.